My PSYCH WARD Experience
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thDXGy7pQIc&t=157s
无作者
Intro
This was such a hard video to make.While I was typing up the script to this video,I tried to recount some stories in my head,but I just kept dissociating from how traumatic this period of my life was.Even listening to some trending, Tik Tok sounds from this era, still kind of sends me into a, little panic attack.Specifically, that one panu zoom song,if you know what I’m talking about.But I got a lot of comments from people in my last psychward, video saying it was helpful to them to hear me talk about it.And so I’m going to talk about it.This is for you guys.So in case you guys didn’t know, May is mental health awareness month.So I thought,what other perfect way is there, to celebrate and spread awareness, than to make another video, about my crazy psychward, experience?Cuz just simply talking about how depressed I am and all my issues is boring.Speaking of boring, what is this?What is that on your screen?Don’t tell me you’re watching this video on something other than Opera GX.
Opera GX
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My Story
I’m going to do my best not to make this a super heavy video,but I know it could be a lot.So, if you’re not in the headsp space for it right now,that is completely okay.Take a break, grab some tea,and come back when you’re ready, or not at all.Your peace comes first.So, one bright sunny day back in 2020,I wanted to die.Okay, I’m so sorry.Let me rephrase that.My intrusive thoughts won.Back in 2020, my mental health was at its worst.And in the midst of some conflicts I was going through at the time, I broke.Then family dropped me off at, the nearest ER where they assessed, that I would be involuntarily, admitted to somewhere where people would help me.Basically,I didn’t even know I was going to be admitted into the psych word that day.I was just in a full-blown, panic attack and couldn’t coherently answer their assessment questions.I remember one question they, asked me was what the similarity, was between an elephant, and a bicycle.I answered that they were both big because they are right.
But the nurse looked me dead in the eye and said that’s wrong.Like what?What was I supposed to say?Are they not both big?And also, why would she say that to someone who’s already wanting to die?In my first psychward video,I briefly talked about what it, was like being there and how, my mental state got even worse, because I was stuck in a brightly, lit hallway in the ER for three, days with no phone,no privacy,no hygiene care because I was waiting for an available bed at a psych ward.But I mainly focused, my story around my roommate at the time whose name was Jenny,who made me so uncomfortable, and bothered to the point of delusion, that I tricked her into getting a edative from the doctors.a sedative, by the way.You know, the butt shot that makes you go honk shoe,not something to kill her like most of you believed.Anyways,another reason I wanted to make, this video is because I’ve had, years to process my experience.And looking back,I feel like I really didn’t do, a good job in that video when.
it came to the negative stereotypes, and stigma many people with mental health issues already face.Mental illnesses are illnesses and conditions that many people struggle with.And these struggles should be treated with respect, understanding,and compassion, not fear or alienation.I know mental health advocacy and education wasn’t the main point of my video,and I also want to give myself, grace that I was not in the right, headsp space at the time to practice, empathy,but I just wanted to spread awareness.With that being said,as much as I want to always be, empathetic or understanding towards, people with mental conditions,it’s also okay to say that it isn’t easy to.I became especially, guarded in the psychward, following an incident where I was taking a nap in my room and woke up horrified, to a man choking his chicken.I ran away really fast and told, on him to the nurses and they, ended up locking him up in a, different area.So yeah, that happened.Anyways, a lot can go on in a psych ward,
but the daily routine was always the same.I’m woken up around 7:00 a.m.in the morning to a nurse taking my vitals.Then I joined the rest of my troubled peers for breakfast.Then I would sit in my room for hours doing nothing.Absolutely nothing.I was either staring at the roof,contemplating, my existence and regretting everything, I said that led me to this place, or crying and crashing out for, maybe 30 minutes to an hour about, how nobody loved me.Then back to staring at the roof.Unlike other psychwards,we didn’t have access to activities or entertainment like a TV, books,or even crayons.We couldn’t even go outside.If we wanted to go outside,we had to ask a nurse to unlock, this door that would lead to, a balcony that was hardly a balcony.It was just a small room with, crusty windows that had some, tiny opening for outside air, ventilation.But that room was the most outside I could feel since we had no windows, anywhere in the psych ward.And our bedroom windows were frosted over so we couldn’t see outside.
Being in that type of environment, for days without access to a, therapist or friends or anyone, who truly cared about you is, terrible for anyone’s, mental health.I’m sure other psychwards, function differently depending on the hospital and the resources available,but I feel like I was literally, only there so they could keep me from killing myself.And I guess you can argue that that’s exactly what the place is for.They’re there to keep you alive.But nothing was really being, done to actually help me get, out of that headsp space.It wouldn’t be until around 12:00 to 1:00 p.m.for our activity coordinator, to come in and unlock the room with all the activity stuff and the TV.So, for 4 to 5 hours in the morning,we had to just do nothing.People would literally pace the hallways back and forth for hours, or stand and awkwardly stare at each other or just sleep in the room,which is what I did.I eventually ended up begging, one of the nurses for some paper, so I could at least, entertain myself with origami.
But they for some reason were only able to give me one piece of paper.So I ripped it into many small, squares to try and make it last, as long as I could.And that’s how I kept myself busy.But of course,a single piece of paper only lasts so, long and aggressively crying and gagging was starting to get really boring.So I made my way to the activity room when it finally opened.And this is when I had my first interaction with that orangehair, guy from my old Psychward video.The activity coordinator, had me sit in front of him during our activity free time to do some painting.I didn’t know anything about, this dude other than that he, had serious anger management, issues and that earlier I witnessed him punching one of the nurses.He scared the out of me.I mean,who wouldn’t be scared if they, were seated next to someone who, you witnessed just punch one, of the tiny nurses.I was honestly thinking, “Oh my god,if I sit here,he’s going to punch me for no reason.”, which I know is so dumb and makes no sense,
but anyways, I didn’t paint.I just sat there scared.And he obviously did not like that.So, he flipped on me screaming why I wouldn’t paint.So, I immediately just started painting.And do you know what he did next?He started getting excited over my painting.I was literally just manic painting.But he started complimenting, my art like I had just performed magic before his eyes.Then he asked me where I was from and I said I was Filipino.He replied excitedly saying, “Oh yo,my homies taught me some tag along before peek mo.It means nice to meet you.Masarang, Peek Mo.” We talked a little, more as we painted and it was, actually really cool to get to, know this guy and realize how, nice he actually was.It’s really eye opening to get past old prejudices, and see someone as just a real person with their own struggles.Someone with a big personality, cool hobbies,and a great sense of humor,much more than just some angry guy who throws punches.It was also pretty cool that, art is what kept connecting me.
with more people around me.There was this one girl who would ugly cry while complimenting my paintings,which was kind of sad to watch, but also really funny,not going to lie.I also started playing cards with this group of people I didn’t know at all.But we ended up playing so many games and we got super competitive and rowdy.I genuinely started having so much fun to the point I was bursting out laughing.And then I started crying because from everything that was happening to me,I would never think it’d be possible, for me to feel anything but despair, while I was here,let alone have fun.I was so severely depressed that I genuinely, didn’t think I’d be able to feel happy or laugh again.Especially with these people whose names or backgrounds I didn’t even know.And I think that was the first, time I realized that I may have, gone through the worst I’ve ever, been through,felt the lowest I’ve ever felt,but this moment felt like proof that those terrible days don’t last forever,
even if it feels like it will.Healing isn’t linear or perfect.And of course, these moments of happiness can feel hopelessly fleeting.But I feel like I owe it to myself, who has already gone through so much,to try and find more ways to heal and live happily, and to be kinder and more patient to myself when I do need extra help.Even if it’s hard to remember,the things I love to do still make me happy for a reason.And I’m always reminded that, there are a lot of people who, do love and care about me when, I do make the efforts to surround, myself with good people.And I also thought that if I’m, going to make such an extreme, choice of offing myself,I might as well make the choice, to stop people pleasing and living, for other people and fully prioritize, and choose myself for a change.Do everything that makes me happy, and getting the help I need to, help me get there cuz I deserve, to be happy.You deserve to be.
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