(28) yap yap yap
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i-3Z0x-UFo
无作者
Hello beautiful people of the internet.It’s no long here today.Um I think I just want to talk about my thoughts.And it’s been a while, hasn’t it?Um yeah, I I was crying earlier,but it’s been a while since I’ve cried.Ever since I’ve been on Lexapro, I’ve kind of felt very very numb.I like that because I don’t really want to feel emotions, because when I feel emotions,I feel really deeply.So, I’d rather be numb than feel any emotion at all to be very honest with you.Yeah.And these days,what I’ve been just dealing with is kind of like issues with my mom.Um, Cold War,but intensified Cold War part two.She’s just a very angry person and, I’m just terrified that I’ll become like her cuz I never want to be like that.And yet I feel like I’m starting to resemble her because all of the resentment, and like all the emotions is bottled up without me even realizing it.You know,obviously compared to my older videos from like seven or eight months ago,
I’m doing so much better and I’m proud of myself for that.I just think I am my own worst critic and, I just personally feel like no matter what I’m doing,it’ll never be good enough.especially YouTube.Like I feel like I’m lowkey losing the plot, because at the time when I was in the psych word,the only thing that really kept, me going was knowing that like, maybe my videos and me verbalizing, my experiences, can help somebody out there on the internet.Yeah, that was what brought me meaning.I think the bigger that I’ve grown, I’m just so terrified of being vulnerable.I don’t know.And it might be seen as cringe if people don’t like really know my content,I guess, because like you could look at my video titles and see,oh, it’s like,oh, you’re just like larping to be like a depressed loser,blah blah blah.Like, it’s I don’t know.I I mean, you could think that way of me,but I know my lived experiences.And I’m not saying that I am, you know,
it’s just I am I’m just sharing my experiences to help those out there.And if it doesn’t, then I don’t know.I don’t know.At least maybe it helps me to put it out there.I’m just really sensitive even though I put up a very tough exterior.
I made myself appear strong, tough, and unaffected, even if I was actually hurt, scared, or vulnerable inside.
Yeah.I’ve been like touching grass more often these days.I went to Anime NYC.There’s a vlog coming soon.There’s so many things that I filmed, but I just keep thinking it’s not perfect.It’s not what I want it to be and I’m my own worst critic and I just, make myself feel bad for no reason.Like, yeah,people on the internet are mean, but like I’m the meanest to myself.Like, you can’t beat me.You can’t beat me there, okay?Yeah.I just, I’ve been putting myself out there more, and I’m trying to fit into new crowds and meeting new people and stuff,but it’s so scary.And I think in a city like New York, everyone is doing something big,right?Everyone is hustling, everyone’s grinding.And I really admire people like that.I think I just.
maybe it’s just cuz I’ve been compared to all my life, to like other kids especially growing up like in terms of academics, that I’ve just internally, built like, this machine that constantly, compare myself to others around, me especially those around my, age I guess, or even older I just, feel like I’ll never do enough, and even if I meet this goal, that goal it doesn’t really mean, anything, you know, I don’t know it’s just I have such a bad inferiority complex text.I’m so aware of it, but it doesn’t really help change the feelings.Cuz everything I know logistically,I just can’t exactly change the way that I feel.You know, you can’t help the way that you feel.All I’m trying to do is just let these feelings pass and, let it move on instead of dwelling on it.
^29iwdtdwell on/upon sth
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to think or talk a lot about sth, especially sth it would be better to forget 老是想着，唠叨（尤指最好应忘记的事）
So you made a mistake, but there’s no need to dwell on it.
你是错了，不过不必老是想着这事儿。
Solo, what are you doing?He’s being weird again.But yeah, I just It’s been like a year anniversary since that one video I made.I when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere.Something like that.I forgot exactly what the title was.My memory is really bad.Like.
last year, I don’t really remember anything and I don’t remember the videos made cuz, I made those videos to let out my emotions and then I just forget it.Not going to lie.So it might be cringe.It might not be cringe.I don’t even want to rewatch them.Maybe someone will suggest me re-watch your old videos as like a challenge.Like I know some YouTubers do.I used to watch those like those videos like that, back in the day and like like when old YouTubers, made like those reaction videos like that reacting to my old stuff.My first YouTube video.Maybe I’ll do that.But um right now we shall see.We shall see.Let me know what kind of stuff you guys want.I don’t really know what I’m doing.I really don’t know what I’m doing.And I’m not going back to school this semester either.Um but I think I will try for winter semester.I really want to push myself more and more.I feel like I’m not pushing myself enough.Zola.But yeah, I don’t know.I just I feel like I could be pushing myself more.
I know I could do more.I know I can do I feel like I could do so much more,but it’s just like I don’t know how much I like realistically I can handle, all on my own.And yeah, everything just feels really overwhelming.I know it’s I just don’t exactly know where to start, you know,and I know it’s like you need to give yourself that head start,like push yourself to that head start, then like once the momentum starts,it gets easier.Still hard, but it gets easier.It’s what they say.I’m no philosopher, but I can only speak from my own experiences.Um, it’s like no matter how much people say that I’m doing enough,I just never really feel like I am.Especially for myself and especially for my mom.So, come here.See, my cat doesn’t even like me.I feel like I have so much potential even like growing up.
noun
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潜力；潜质；If you say that someone or something has potential, you mean that they have the necessary abilities or qualities to become successful or useful in the future.
The school strives to treat pupils as individuals and to help each one to achieve their full potential.
学校力求对每一个学生因材施教，帮助他们充分发挥其潜力。
My mom just had so much expectations of me, and I kind of wasted all my academic potential because of my poor mental health.Yeah, I know.Like everyone’s path is different and you can’t really compare.
like people’s lives,you know, because no one has lived your life.You can’t compare your experiences to someone else.Everyone has gone through [ __ ] in one way or another.And being jealous of someone else’s life is kind of redundant because, you’ve never lived their entire life,right?You’ll never know the things that happen behind closed doors.And I feel like I’m trying to put up this image of, wanting to be perfect for those around me and myself.I think we’re all performing to a certain extent.You can say everything’s reformative and that’s not completely wrong.I think in in a sociological sense that is just how it is.I don’t know if anyone has taken sociology but I I love like history,sociology and psychology.Just learning about people and just the way we think and society.Um yeah, I I love learning about those things.I just feel really tired of performing for myself,for others to keep up this role in society,this role of being a functional um person, a functional member of society.
Like I told, someone recently that I went to the psych ward and like I’m talking to someone, I and they were really surprised because they said,“Well, you seem very high functioning.Like you seem like you’re really well adjusted.”, And I think like they don’t mean it in a bad way.It’s just like um in like a societal stance, and society likes to give you labels and if you’re unproductive,it’s it’s like a very capitalistic thing.You know what I mean?That’s what I think cuz I don’t, think people should be defined, by their jobs or like, how quoteunquote productive they are to contribute to society.I think it’s like so stupid.I just feel like I’m just trying to find, the meaning to live while everyone is like chasing this very ambitious goal.I respect though.I just don’t know if that’s for me.I just want to be content and I think that’s what I want to strive for.But even then,it’s hard to be at peace with yourself, when you always have like a war going on in your head.
Everything I say is kind of cheesy, but maybe you can relate to me.And yes, I know I’m not staring at the camera.I’m just like, I don’t know.When I think I just stare into space.I’m just staring at my blanket.Oh, hello.She’s in the frame.And I don’t want to look at myself, cuz I just feel like I’m always, trying so hard to be loved, by, people around me and the internet,of course.I mean, you can call me attention seeker,but um I feel like anyone like on the internet,even writing people writing comments,you’re trying to seek some sort of validation.You want people to agree with you or to hear you,even if it’s like a bigoted opinion or comment or whatever,even if it’s hate comments, you know?So, maybe in a way,we’re all attention seekers.Like, I don’t deny it.I’m an attention seeker,but I think I just want to be seen and I want to be heard.I really don’t want people’s sympathy.I just I just want to be understood, you know.Yeah.I don’t know.I I’ve kind of stopped making.
these type of videos for a while, because I kept thinking like, I don’t want to spread negativity.I don’t want to make others feel like they’re down in the dumps or I don’t know,you know.Yeah.Just things in my own life has been going well.Like I feel like in my social life,I guess I’ve been putting more effort to talk to people, meet old friends,and just do more.And yet I feel like I’m always lacking in some way.Like I don’t deserve to be this, person’s friend because I don’t, have my [ __ ] together more.Or or maybe I don’t deserve to be romantically pursued because um like this.Like what am I like a blob?a blob a blob of like mental illness.I know that’s not all to me and obviously, it’s not all to me because I I can’t have fun.I could be happy, but can people handle me when I’m sad,you know?Like I never want to show that side to people in my real life.And maybe that’s why I show it online and tell everyone in person, block,block my YouTube, never watch my [ __ ] you know,
because it’s so personal and I feel like I could only, talk to them about those things once I processed it.But in the midst of processing things,I don’t want anyone that I know, to see me like this cuz it feels, cringe and vulnerable.And I hate it.I hate it.I freaking hate it.I don’t even think like my mom really cares or is ever proud of what I’ve done.Like in some regard,I do like give myself a little bit, pat on the shoulder for just, being somewhat consistent with, posting on YouTube cuz I just, have a really hard time with, consistency in general.But like kind of proud of myself for sticking to it for a little bit.I really made it as a pack to myself,but also I was just so [ __ ] lonely like eight months ago, nine months ago,10 months ago, I don’t even remember.Just around those times, I was just like so cooked that um yeah,I genuinely didn’t have anyone at the time at all.But after I reconnected with some people,I think I’ve felt a little more safe to.
share to them my feelings rather than the internet about all my business.Thank you, Elaine.I miss you a lot.Please stop bed rotty and call me.Half joking.It’s funny cuz my friend just called.Um they’re staying at my house right now, and I had another friend stay at my house.It’s just like lowmaintenance friends.I guess they’re chill.
In “I guess they’re chill”, chill = relaxed, easygoing, nice, not difficult to deal with.
So:
I guess they’re chill.
= I guess they’re easygoing / cool / pretty relaxed.
It’s just like I don’t know.Adult friendships are all low maintenance,but sometimes I wish, you know I have like high maintenance friend but I have one so, I think that’s the best I can ask for, for now.Um yeah, everyone’s just do their doing their own thing.And it’s funny cuz this friend um helped me work on this creative project.But um I don’t know.I just feel like I owe everyone that’s I owe it to them.I owe it to myself and, someone else that commission to finish the project and I’m just not.And everyone says you have potential.You have potential.I just don’t know why I’m not getting around to doing that.So, it’s like jumping around like it’s an obstacle course.
Yeah.But, you know,when I do think and what has been my life model for a little bit,it’s like I’d rather regret the things that um, I’ve never done then regret the, things that I’ve done because, I don’t think I really, I’m sorry,guys.Sol’s has been like running around.So, am I might like light in the mood?It’s just It’s just like a bunch of scratchy noises like randomly, somewhere cuz she’s just playing with my wires.She’s not eating though.Just playing with them.Um I don’t remember what the [ __ ] I was saying.You know what they say.I don’t even know if this is what they say, but I’m just going to say this,but um you know, like if you want to change tomorrow,you want you have to change today.If like if you want your future to change,you have to start with something today.And I know that,but it’s just like everything is just like [ __ ], I just also feel like everyone has these expectations, of me and I have really high expectations for myself.Um, and I don’t know if I could meet them all.
Even you guys online,it’s like you guys kind of idolize me and I don’t like that to be very honest.And I know obviously because I’m talking to you guys through a video.Um, it feels very one-dimensional,you know,like you’re not going to see every single side of me because, usually it’s it’s kind of hard to capture all of that even if you’re like, live 24/7,you know?I need like eye drops.People just perceive you very one-dimensionally and obviously, that’s just how it is.That’s just how it works.Everyone will have a different impression of you.And yeah, I’m trying to I want people to see me as threedimensional,just not there’s always nuance to everything,but everyone online kind of sees it as black and white.And I don’t think you could ever, truly label a person or truly, know a person unless obviously, you know them in real life.But um yeah, people either freaking hate me,think I’m just like a [ __ ] cringe cringey edge lord,which I don’t exactly disagree with, or just think of me as some idol.
like you idolize me, like you think I’m like your role model,but I feel like I’m so imperfect, and I don’t think I could ever be meet people’s expectations of me,especially to the version of me that they perceive in their heads,which isn’t the actual me.I know this is all some like introspective [ __ ], I’m just spewing I’m just spewing words,
[+ object] : to cause (something) to flow out in a fast and forceful way使喷出；使涌出
The volcano spewed hot ash.
火山喷出了炽热的灰。
The faucet started spewing dirty water.
水龙头开始喷出脏水。
— often used figuratively常用作比喻
They spewed (out) an endless stream of questions.
他们没完没了地提了一大堆问题。
He spewed insults at his critics.
他对批评自己的人口出恶言。
and I don’t know if you’re still here listening.I feel like I’m a little bit morally gray.Like yes,I would become a sellout for money and go against my morals because, money is money and we live in a capitalistic society, and that [ __ ] sucks,right?Yeah.I don’t know.Like I’ve kind of stopped having a moral high horse,especially when judging other, people because you never know, just exactly what position they’re, in, or, what led them to do whatever they do.I’m not going to pretend like I’m a better person than anyone else.You know, I don’t judge people for that.I could choose to not have them in my life, but like,you know, I don’t know.For me,I would just like.
I think like cyber bullying hate comments can really lead to someone’s like, mental, demise.I feel like the internet is so scary.It’s just always mob mentality regarding literally everything.
I personally can never understand someone hiding behind a screen to, send death threats and hateful harassment to people.just projecting, your inner anger towards someone else and even if someone deserves it.
Um, I don’t really know,guys.I don’t even know where I’m going with this.Just be kind.Truly be kind to people.I try to implement these things in my own life, too,you know.But yeah, I’m not as perfect as you think I am.I am not the role model that you might want to look up to.Like come on, I am depressed.I I have bad coping mechanisms.Sure, sometimes I could be funny and cringey,but other times I can be very very I don’t know if crazy is the right word,maybe intense and impulsive, right?Yeah.There’s all aspects of me and, I don’t know if the internet will ever see all of it,
but you’ve definitely seen a lot of it,but it doesn’t mean that you actually know me.You know,it’s like sometimes you want, sometimes, I feel like a lot of people that I’ve met say this and just even online too.It’s like, you want someone to see all the bad sides of you and still choose to say, and that’s how you really feel loved.And not going to lie, I can’t help but really I can’t help it but feel that way,too.I feel like if someone’s seen every bad side of me and still choose to say,and that means I’m worth something.And I don’t know.I just don’t really think I am ultimately lovable unless I can prove it to them.If I can prove my worth through, doing something or just meeting their expectations.In a world where everyone just cares about money, status,looks, if you have friends,or even if you just accept yourself as the way you are,regardless of all of those labels, like the person underneath all of that,all the superficial [ __ ] if you can accept that part of yourself,
then maybe you’re one step closer to self-, loveve.But yeah,I think having people that sees you when like regardless of all those labels,then I feel like maybe you would truly feel like you belong, you know,and you truly feel like you’re accepted by something or someone, even yourself,you know.I feel like it’s really rare for that cuz everything is like so transactional.friendships, relationships,life, just everything is like a transaction in one way or another.But that’s the world we live in.And obviously I’m no I’m no philosophical person that can change the world.But um I’m just a person talking to an old iPhone 7 in my bedroom, sprouting all my [ __ ] online.Yeah, that’s what I do.But I hope maybe someone somewhere can relate to this.I don’t really have a closing for this video.But yeah, my arm kind of hurts.I don’t know what happened.I have like vitamin D deficiency and iron deficiency,so like I get bruises so easily.But yeah, I don’t even know why I brought that up,
but the world is going to end and we will all die. Or we can just live until we die
Terrible ending, but bye.
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